Day 17: week in review.

It was all right. Considering.

It is still hard to sit down and write.

Today I’ve been reminded several times to be grateful.

Last, and maybe least, I’m grateful to me, for doing it anyway.

[UPDATE: day 16: the following was written (and somehow Not Published) on Feb. 19 of this year, which happened to be President’s Day. Middle finger to The Fear of reading/posting old work. Look how far I’ve come.]

I never had a plan for this blog. Then I had (way) too many plans. That’s my life in a nutshell, it seems—one extreme to the other and back again.

I try too hard, take on too many things at once, then I quit, or give out and end up accomplishing nothing. When I look forward, at my goals, I neglect to acknowledge the progress I’ve made. When I look back, I see everything I’ve learned along the way and refuse to call it waste. When I am in today, in the moment, everything seems fine or, at least, I can make it seem fine.

I know that my thoughts are powerful things and, though it’s not always easy, I can shake off negativity and say things like ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ Like today, when I got everything ready to go to the post office, only to arrive and realize it’s a holiday. It’s not a big deal. I accomplished a lot just getting there, and it will be easier to go tomorrow because of that.

I believe that. I know it’s true. I believe and know a great many things. I know I can hit ‘publish’ when I finish writing this and not care who reads it or if anyone does. I’m doing it because I said I would—and that’s fine—this is today.

It’s how to care about tomorrow, and some of my yesterdays, while living today that I’m struggling with. I don’t seem to have enough…whatever it is…to do it all, and it’s a struggle every day to decide what’s most important. And I no longer know what I’m working toward.

If that’s the anxiety or depression talking, that’s fine, but it’s still me talking too. It’s not a bad day. It’s a beautiful day, I’m grateful for it, and I don’t wish to complain about anything.

I just wanted to start something I could finish.

Day 15:

a) the more they stay the same
b) the more they keep changing
c) New Zealand

I don’t know anything about New Zealand, except that it’s supposed to be beautiful and some pretty famous stuff has been/is being filmed there.

I do know anxiety sucks.

Yesterday I couldn’t get the computer to work. Today, my head is refusing to work.

I will try again tomorrow.

Day 12: I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

This is where my mom would say “ok, Scarlett.” And we would both grin.

Thank you to all my “moms” and “grandmas”

near and far

here or gone.

And to my aunts, cousins, friends

who are moms, and/or

who have had them.

But especially to

My Mom,

because she loved me First and

when i don’t deserve it.

Love You. Miss you.

Day 10 or 11, depending: can’t win for losing.

It seems Wednesday’s post (in which I announced I was taking Thursday off) not only failed to publish, but has vanished completely.

I’m not terribly upset. It wasn’t very good.

It irks me that it may appear that I skipped two days though, but I wonder…who cares about that but me? Answer: (crickets) yeah. almost certainly no one.

I have something to say about the day off, though, and this day that followed it:
Though both were hard days (in their own ways), this day was easier…maybe, just maybe, because I took yesterday off.

I MADE myself take yesterday off. I did not ALLOW myself to do anything I did not want to do. I did not allow myself to feel guilty (or I stopped it as soon as possible) for not doing more. IT WAS SO HARD. Way harder than working. On anything.

The result, maybe “a” result, was that, today, I did not spend an unnecessary amount of time doing things I did not want to do. I have done what I needed to, but I haven’t agonized over every little thing like I usually do.

Dare I say it? Am I…RELAXING? Let’s not be hasty. Maybe a tad.

The point of all this (maybe “a” point) is to say something I have to keep reminding myself of (so I may have said it before). Learning to do ANYTHING (even take a day off) means you don’t know how to do it already. Which means you’re bad at it.

We all (even me) have to be bad at things before we can be good at them.

I am bad at relaxing.

Day 8: I am scared of being sick and of skipping a day.

So. I am acknowledging that I have a terrible headache (and that’s reason enough to take a break).

Also. I don’t feel like doing much these days anyway (and any excuse will do).

Therefore. I am not where I wish to be (but I am no longer where I was).

Day 7: I’m afraid of making mistakes.

I thought I wasn’t, but I am. More specifically, I am afraid of making the same mistake too many times…when I should know better by now.

When someone asked me today if I was ok, then said, “this is happening a lot,” I actually thought about it instead of immediately freaking out. No, it isn’t happening a lot, I just don’t yet grasp how to deal with it quickly, so I ask for help, rather than slowing everyone down by trying to figure it out for myself.

Maybe I ask for help a lot. That’s a new thing for me, but something I was encouraged to do, and have been trying to do more frequently. Perhaps this is wrong, but I don’t think so.

I am also afraid I am not as quick a learner as I used to be.

But…

Learning takes time, practice, and patience. It especially involves messing up. Learning how NOT to do something has often been a far more effective teacher for me than learning how to do something right the first time.

So, just as I chose to rest from this task yesterday (even God took off one day in seven), I’m choosing today to be patient with myself. Give myself a break from not knowing/having figured everything out all at once.

Slow progress is not NO progress.

Day 6: Guilt and Shame are forms of Fear too, I think.

It was raining when I woke up this morning, and my resolutions went right out my bedroom window because…oh goodie! I love sleeping in on rainy mornings.

There are very few better feelings, for me, and very few worse feelings than getting up, eventually, and realizing how much time I’ve “wasted.”

I once heard that living in the past causes depression, living in the future causes anxiety, and only when we live in the present are we content. Perhaps these terms are just tired for me, but I think guilt and shame are similar, if not the same. These are two things I’m trying to banish from my life in my present, and I have learned that they involve facing fears too.

Guilt is usually the fear that I have (already) done something wrong, inappropriate, unhelpful, inconsiderate, etc.
Shame is the fear that I will continue to do so, and/or that I will be a) unable to make it better/correct my faux pas b) make things worse by attempting to do so.
Shame is also the fear that I just AM wrong, and guilt will forever remind me of this, no matter what I do.

I faced both today. I’m not sure I won, but I faced them.

Day 5: not QUITE Cinco de Mayo

This is actually the 5th “holiday” post I’ve written, but, this one will see the light of day. Because Star Wars.

The other days of remembrance I wrote about were (in the order I wrote them):
9/11
(Possibly MLK JR. Day)
Ash Wednesday/Valentine’s Day
April Fool’s Day/Easter

At the time I remember being too afraid to publish without rethinking my wording. Now I’m realizing it must have been the dying breaths of my liberal feminism objecting to what must appear a shocking amount of white republicanism. At least that’s what those terms meant last I understood them, but it seems those labels shift definitions rapidly. They also vary widely according to who’s talking.

Speaking of politics, can we all agree on Star Wars? Apparently even that is up for debate. It makes me feel old to hear the young people squabble over their favorites. I’m just thinking…”you get one EVERY YEAR!”

Well, I still believe in the Force and its power to bring together nerds of every description.

I do wonder if it’s irony, or cynicism, that makes me think of all the mexican restaurants that will definitely be open tomorrow.