The W Doctrines

(No, not the former president)

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In order to grow we have to let things go. Shed some skin. That’s part of the journey, and I’ve learned it’s ok to honor or grieve those times that are here no more.

This Valentine’s Day I’m letting go of an old love that doesn’t serve me anymore, if it ever did. I’ve run the whole gamut of emotions with this one, but I’d say ‘sad resignation’ is a good generalization. Hence the song.

It’s taken a while, but now I hear the triumphant note in its heavy beauty. If you listen for it, you will hear strength and purpose and the knowledge that I deserve better. All those things make me happy.

It also pleases me that W would hate everything about this.

Say something; I’m giving up on you.

I waited and waited for the smallest sign. I didn’t get it. When you swooped in out of nowhere it never occurred to me that you meant it as the grand gesture I so desperately wanted. Or so you thought.

And what did you want? Well of course that but what else. Did I even ask myself? I remember sitting in the Krystal parking lot deciding to ruin my life over you again. Again.
Thinking what? I wonder. We’ll never know.

Expecting change? I doubt it because I was warier. Wiser, I thought. Wrongly.
Waiting for what exactly, when everything was exactly as I expected?

Anywhere, I would have followed you

And. Did.

Except Alaska.

It never occurred to me that might be a deal breaker. I never thought it could be temporary. Never thought about the upside. Never thought you might have followed me back. Until it was all I could think about.

Say something…

Wait…
I told you not to.

I told you what I would do if you tried, and I did what I said.
I also knew you couldn’t resist. One, last grand gesture? Certainly got my attention.
I certainly got yours.
It only now occurs to me that we were always hit and miss like this. You, bafflingly, always thinking I meant the opposite of what I said.
So if you ever happen across this…

I really wouldn’t.

…I’m giving up on you

I’m afraid this is no longer relevant. I gave up on you a long time ago. It took me longer to give you up. ‘Giving’ up implies I’m still doing it. I guess that’s what this is about. I’ve burned stuff and purged every way but this one.

Just flay open my soul on paper. NBD.

You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye.

Goodbye

 

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