Today’s my nephew’s birthday. So I have to give him a shout out.

This song always makes me think of him because of the title, but I have a hard time applying it to his little self. He won’t be little always though and I hope he is the kind of person described in this song…

or if he’s as much like me as I fear…

wait for the person who is all of these things and more.

That’s all a little above him at the moment. For his birthday, I sent him a Wreck This Journal because I wish someone had given me permission earlier to make art the way I make it, which is often messy and involves tearing stuff up. I want him to know that he doesn’t have to be perfect or do perfect things, even if he holds himself to higher standard (something I sense in him already) than he holds others. I want him to know that his way is fine.

I’m the aunt. I can do that.

Next as promised, and highly anticipated by at least one reader, haha: why the hell am i doing this

*hopeididthatright*

I was going to put the lyrics here but I think it’s better if you just listen…

It’s always nice to know someone else on the planet has the same thoughts you do. Often that person for me is JMRAZ. I don’t know if we experience the same things or if he just has the courage to write down and sing about the things that happen in his head. I know the latter is true. So I’m going to do the same:

Oh it’s a calming, but often alarming, and oh it’s a conscious conversation with myself:

It went something like this:

I’m an idiot

You’re not an…

I’m an idiot

You’re NOT an…

I’m an idiot

YOU’RE NOT A FREAKIN IDIOT!

Oh.

…

Actually, I’m not an idiot. I’m new at this. Yeah. I’m learning. I’m not a freakin idiot.  psssshha.

Yeah, duh. Freakin idiot.

It’s ok to dance around it. Have it your way. And it’s ok to laugh about it oh for goodness sake:

Here’s another one:

Tuesdays are green.

What?

Tuesdays are green.

What does that even mean?

I have no idea but it must be true.

Ok. Makes sense, but I’m looking for a basic relationship. Anything will do. Association?

Nope. Just green. on Tuesdays.

It went on like that until I saw my morning pages where I had, the day before, categorized all my work into four colors:

red

blue

orange

and…you guessed it…

green.

So now I know I was trying to tell myself the plans I have for Tuesdays goes with the other money-making stuff.

And now you know what it’s like to be in my head.

Good old dad 👴🏻

I knew you’d come through for me, but I WAS prepared just in case…

I prefer my privacy too, but thinking about trying new things has me thinking about the way we converse. This may be the way we have to do it. Out in the open, like.

Where we have to think hard about what we say before we say it, because you never know who’s around/listening. You know, procrastinate before answering.

I don’t like being a millennial either. I can’t even spell it. Seriously. I feel it throws connotations all over me that don’t belong to me. I feel older than I am.

I feel the same way I hear my elder peers describe “getting old.” I am getting older and getting used to the idea that I’m going to keep on getting older. It finally dawned on me. I have a chronic illness. I feel thirty years older than I am. Heavy wings.

I’ve also learned heavy wings is not always a bad thing. It’s a great stretch and prime belly-rubbing position according to Piper

The more I embrace the term (Millennial) the less that bothers me. I’m also embracing that I’m the next generation ready or not so try to be ready.

That’s part of what this whole blogging experience is about…which reminds me I need to write about that. In the wisdom of waterskiing and Steve Harvey: You’re going to fall. It’s going to hurt. If you don’t jump, you won’t go anywhere.

Coming next: Conversations with myself

Then why the hell I’m doing this in the first place.

Bear with my technical difficulties. There may be three today.

Hi all,

It’s been a while.

That’s about to change. In fact, some big changes are coming soon…stay tuned!

linsey

Day 17: week in review.

It was all right. Considering.

It is still hard to sit down and write.

Today I’ve been reminded several times to be grateful.

Last, and maybe least, I’m grateful to me, for doing it anyway.

[UPDATE: day 16: the following was written (and somehow Not Published) on Feb. 19 of this year, which happened to be President’s Day. Middle finger to The Fear of reading/posting old work. Look how far I’ve come.]

I never had a plan for this blog. Then I had (way) too many plans. That’s my life in a nutshell, it seems—one extreme to the other and back again.

I try too hard, take on too many things at once, then I quit, or give out and end up accomplishing nothing. When I look forward, at my goals, I neglect to acknowledge the progress I’ve made. When I look back, I see everything I’ve learned along the way and refuse to call it waste. When I am in today, in the moment, everything seems fine or, at least, I can make it seem fine.

I know that my thoughts are powerful things and, though it’s not always easy, I can shake off negativity and say things like ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ Like today, when I got everything ready to go to the post office, only to arrive and realize it’s a holiday. It’s not a big deal. I accomplished a lot just getting there, and it will be easier to go tomorrow because of that.

I believe that. I know it’s true. I believe and know a great many things. I know I can hit ‘publish’ when I finish writing this and not care who reads it or if anyone does. I’m doing it because I said I would—and that’s fine—this is today.

It’s how to care about tomorrow, and some of my yesterdays, while living today that I’m struggling with. I don’t seem to have enough…whatever it is…to do it all, and it’s a struggle every day to decide what’s most important. And I no longer know what I’m working toward.

If that’s the anxiety or depression talking, that’s fine, but it’s still me talking too. It’s not a bad day. It’s a beautiful day, I’m grateful for it, and I don’t wish to complain about anything.

I just wanted to start something I could finish.

Day 15:

a) the more they stay the same
b) the more they keep changing
c) New Zealand

I don’t know anything about New Zealand, except that it’s supposed to be beautiful and some pretty famous stuff has been/is being filmed there.

I do know anxiety sucks.

Yesterday I couldn’t get the computer to work. Today, my head is refusing to work.

I will try again tomorrow.

Day 12: I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

This is where my mom would say “ok, Scarlett.” And we would both grin.

Thank you to all my “moms” and “grandmas”

near and far

here or gone.

And to my aunts, cousins, friends

who are moms, and/or

who have had them.

But especially to

My Mom,

because she loved me First and

when i don’t deserve it.

Love You. Miss you.